Wounded by Friendly Fire
One of the most painful wounds we can experience doesn’t come from an enemy—it comes from someone on our own team. A careless word, a cutting comment, a moment of “friendly fire” can lodge deep in the heart and refuse to heal.
In today’s blog, my friend Deb Coty bravely takes us into that tender space where forgiveness feels impossible and mercy feels costly. With honesty, humor, and Scripture-soaked wisdom, Deb shows us how mercy really can triumph over judgment—even when the hurt comes from someone close.
Shortly after my second book was published, I received my first invitation to speak at a women’s event. I was so excited! It felt like divine affirmation of my calling from the Lord as an author/speaker. My dream was coming true. I immediately phoned my mother to share the good news. Her response: “Really? Why would anyone want to hear what you have to say?”
Ouch. You and I both know how difficult forgiveness can be when we’ve been cut to the bone and our wound just won’t stop bleeding. It happens within families all the time, and it’s the hardest thing in the world to forgive an offender who is thrust upon you at every holiday, wedding, or family gathering.
Especially one who gave birth to you.
Forgiveness in the wake of friendly fire (the military term for a soldier shot by someone in her own army) is probably even harder than forgiving someone we don’t know because we feel the injustice repeatedly, new and fresh, every time we’re subjected to the chafing presence of the offender. And that would be far too often for some of us.
Hey, some relatives are like bunions. They refuse to go away, and you can’t get rid of them without a chainsaw. But the problem isn’t just family feuds. Friendly fire is equally destructive when we’re hurt by another Christian, church leadership, co-worker, friend … or [major ouch] our spouse. Someone we consider to be on our “team.” Someone whom we thought would faithfully watch our back, protect, and defend us. Because we would do the same for them.
These sniper attacks are triply damaging because they rupture trust, honesty, and love, the cords that bind personal relationships together. Like a frayed rope, the relationship, once it begins unraveling, is awfully hard to stop.
Four small but powerful words from Scripture that have helped me deal with friendly fire are found in James 2:13 NIV: “Mercy triumphs over judgement.” Judgment has its place in God’s hierarchy of principles, but mercy is at the top of the list. Mercy (in the form of forgiveness that may not be deserved) trumps judgment – even careless, cruel judgment. Mercy is all powerful, all dominating, all victorious. It’s far more important to Papa God than judgment (or its first cousin, revenge) and exponentially more valuable to the condition of our souls.
So how do we treat someone purportedly on our team who has taken painful pot shots at us?
I learned the hard way. Louisa and I went to the same church and worked closely together in the same ministry. We shared the goals of furthering God’s kingdom and instilling the good news of Jesus into young hearts. We generally got along fine, but Louisa had a sharp tongue. I’d heard her unleash it a time or two and thought I was safe because we were partners. Then one day after I (politely) expressed a different opinion than she espoused, she rolled her eyes and snarked, “Yeah, whatever. Go ahead and think whatever you want. I know how you are.”
Whoa. Did she mean how ignorant I am? How stubborn? How brilliant? It could’ve meant a dozen different things, but I jumped to the worst possible conclusion and felt thoroughly insulted. Especially when I overheard her repeat the same sentiment about me to another co-worker. The sting stung. Untreated, it soon became infected and deteriorated into resentment. I began stealthily avoiding Louisa and our work for the Lord suffered.
It feels like sheer torture, doesn’t it, when we know we need to forgive someone close who has hurt us–intentionally or unintentionally–but we just can’t get past the resentment? The anger. The injustice. I’ve found friendly fire forgiveness is possible by adopting the principle, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.”
“Be tender with sinners, but not soft on sin. The sin itself stinks to high heaven.”
JUDE 1:23 MSG
Separating the hurtful action (sin) from the person performing it somehow makes forgiveness easier. The offense becomes an inanimate object that can be discarded and forgotten, rather than an inseparable, integral part of the offender’s personality that looms indefinitely over your head like a dangling grenade.
After all, when our heavenly Father faithfully forgives us, and casts our sins into the depths of the sea (Micah 7:19), how, then, could we offer any less to those who’ve wounded us, even by friendly fire?
When I finally gathered up the nerve to ask Louisa what she meant by her stinging barb, she apologized profusely and said she meant nothing. She was having a bad day and took her frustration out on me. She said she noticed my recent avoidance and missed me. Couldn’t we be friends again?
Of course we can. As chiefest among sinners, I desperately hope those I’ve offended will find the mercy necessary to love the sinner (me!) while hating the sin and allow me the freedom of starting afresh in our relationship after the slate’s been wiped clean by forgiveness.
Prayer: Lord, when I’m wounded by friendly fire help me remember that mercy is the ace in Your deck of priorities. It trumps every other card. If I play the mercy card, I’ll win the trick. And the jackpot, too. Amen.
In this encouraging conversation, Carol McLeod welcomes author and speaker Debora M. Coty to discuss how faith, prayer, and intentional blessing can transform stressful seasons of life. Deb shares insights from her personal health journey and the heart behind her newest devotional, Bless Your Heart, which was inspired by Corrie ten Boom’s words on the power of blessing. Together, they explore practical ways women can manage stress, process anger, and choose joy through prayer, humor, and faith. This episode offers a hopeful reminder that God works in His timing and that women are called to support and bless one another through every season.